Ground Rules
by Kristen Sharpe
Summary: Twelve year olds are impressionable, vulnerable and, most of all, volatile. That in mind, Mustang decides to lay down a few rules before Ed meets his team.
1. Ground Rules

**Title:** Ground Rules  
**Author:** Kristen Sharpe  
**Rating:** K  
**Warnings:** None.  
**Disclaimer:** "Fullmetal Alchemist" belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square ENIX, Studio BONES and various other parties.  
**Author's Note:** This short exists because SageSK is evil. I made a joke, and then she dared/threatened/badgered me into making it into a drabble. Well, it's not a proper drabble at 200 words, but still. Oh, and various elements of our joke continue in her fic "Fully Caffeinated Alchemist".

* * *

"Gentlemen," Colonel Mustang faced his assembled subordinates. "Our unit will soon include a twelve year old boy. In light of that, I think I need to lay down a few ground rules." He held up a finger. "Number one – even off-duty, you will not offer him any alcohol. Drunken alchemists are a terror at the best of times; a drunken twelve year old alchemist is a nightmare I refuse to contemplate."

Mustang saw his men's formerly bemused faces sharpen with understanding. Good.

"Number two," he continued, "you will not offer him any coffee; he's stunted enough as it is."

There was a collective snicker.

Mustang ignored it and moved on. "Number three - you will not tell him any dirty secrets you may think you know about me." He smirked. "Remember, I know more about all of you." That said, he settled back into his chair and rested his hands on his desk. "That is all."

There was silence for a moment and then Havoc spoke up. "What if we swear around the kid?"

Mustang allowed a small smile to curl his lips. "I don't think a one of you knows anything he hasn't already used to blaspheme my name."


	2. Fisticuffs

**Title: **Fisticuffs  
**Author: **Kristen Sharpe  
**Date:** July 9, 2009  
**Rating:** K  
**Warnings: **None.  
**Disclaimer: ** "Fullmetal Alchemist" belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square ENIX, Studio BONES and various other parties.  
**Author's Note:**  This short exists because SageSK is still evil, and I apparently owe her more fic.

------------------------------------

Lieutenant Jean Havoc studied the kid before him. The Colonel had called him "stunted", but he wasn't really that small. For his age.

Twelve. He had to evaluate the hand to hand combat skills of a twelve year old.

Havoc took a long drag on his cigarette. Talk about crazy. A twelve year old State Alchemist.

Well, time to get started. With the smirk the kid was currently wearing and the filthy mouth he had been putting to use when Havoc first met him in the Colonel's office, he probably wasn't a stranger to fistfights. And, his nose looked pretty straight, so maybe he even won them. Or maybe he was just too smart to let himself get caught where an adult couldn't protect him. Havoc would find out soon enough.

"Okay, Boss," calling the kid "sir" was too strange, "I'll let you throw the first punch. Show me what you can do."

He had expected the way the kid's smirk grew three sizes. What he hadn't expected was for the kid to suddenly become airborne.

Two hours later, he gave his report to the Colonel while nursing an icepack against his purpling face.

"You didn't say he had automail."


	3. Interruption

**Title: **Interruption  
**Author: **Kristen Sharpe  
**Date:** July 23, 2009  
**Rating:** K  
**Warnings: **None.  
**Disclaimer: ** "Fullmetal Alchemist" belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square ENIX, Studio BONES and various other parties.  
**Author's Note:**  This one was jointly inspired by Rocky Oberlin's review and Sage's comment on it.

------------------------------------

The scream sent everyone in the office to their feet. Havoc was up and in a ready stance immediately. Breda was not far behind, ears tracking the sound and eyes quickly assessing the room. Falman stood more slowly, uncertain. Fuery jerked to his feet in a snarl of wires from the radio he was dismembering. Already on her feet, Hawkeye's gun was drawn in one fluid motion. And, with only the slightest of movements, the Colonel slid his right hand into a single, white glove.

Tense, the assembled soldiers waited for some further sound to gauge the situation.

On cue, another shriek ripped through the building, this one including words.

"I DON'T _WANT_ TO TOUCH YOUR MUSCLES!"

A second voice, less hysterical and more booming, followed.

"COME NOW, DON'T BE SHY! ARE THESE GRACEFUL MUSCLES OF MINE NOT A WORK OF ART?"

For several minutes, the office was silent as everyone stared blankly in the direction of the voices. Then, Havoc grinned and shook his head. Breda started to snicker. Falman frowned. Fuery warily settled back into his chair. Hawkeye sighed and holstered her gun. And, Colonel Mustang smiled before stating the obvious.

"It seems Fullmetal has met Major Armstrong."


	4. Bluff

**Title: **Bluff  
**Author: **Kristen Sharpe  
**Date:** August 28, 2009  
**Rating:** K  
**Warnings: **None.  
**Disclaimer: ** "Fullmetal Alchemist" belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square ENIX, Studio BONES and various other parties.  
**Author's Note:**  This ended up a lot longer than I intended. Of course, the same could be said for this entire series ;)

------------------------------------

2nd Lieutenant Heymans Breda watched the newly christened Fullmetal Alchemist as he shifted through his paperwork. They were alone in the office, and the young alchemist had commandeered an empty desk for himself and his books.

Elric was the new kid in the office. Literally. And, that position came with certain "duties". It was tradition.

And, none of the Colonel's "ground rules" forbade it. In fact, he half-suspected the limited scope of the rules had been tacit permission to test the kid.

He had seen the pile of assignments Mustang was collecting on the corner of his desk. They were all simple missions, but they would take the boy across the length and breadth of Amestris.

It would be good to know beforehand if Elric was street smart as well as book smart.

So, Breda sauntered over to the new kid with a stack of official-looking forms. Official-looking, but functionally useless. Except for their entertainment value. Fuery had dutifully filled them out along with his real work for a month before someone slipped up and Hawkeye put an end to the game.

"Hey, boss," he greeted. "We're a little short-handed, so you get to help me with these."

Elric eyed the forms blandly. "Sorry. I'm doing research," he said at last and turned back to his books. After a moment's silence, he added, "Section 8, Article 12 – 'A State Alchemist's research takes precedence unless otherwise ordered by a superior officer.' That's a paraphrase." He flipped a new book open. "Nice try though."

Bemused, Breda studied the kid a moment more. Well, well. Elric had called his bluff and not even quite pulled rank on him.

'_Smooth, kid._'

His eyes shifted to the book Elric had just opened, one of three he seemed to be studying. Breda felt his jaw drop as he recognized the tattered volume.

Everyone in the office knew _that_ book. It was a well worn, hand-written account of every prank Eastern Headquarters had weathered in the last ten years. Its authors were innumerable and unknown. Just like its origins. Though there was a persistent rumor involving General Grumman himself, and it would be just like the old man…

Wherever it had come from, it was now inexplicably in the hands of the very person it should have been most recently used against.

Sensing Breda's stare, Elric turned back toward him. As he did so, he picked the book up by a corner and dangled it in front of the surprised lieutenant.

"This is part of my research." He grinned and propped his head against his left hand. "I won it off Havoc. He made a little bet with me before my hand to hand assessment." Elric looked smug. "And, this was the only thing he had on him that was any use to me."

The grin had widened to demonic proportions.

"Fascinating read."

Breda laughed. He couldn't help it. Slapping Elric on the back, he moved back to his desk.

The little brat would do just fine.


	5. Mistaken

**Title: **Mistaken  
**Author: **Kristen Sharpe  
**Date:** November 6, 2009  
**Rating:** K  
**Warnings: **None.  
**Disclaimer: ** "Fullmetal Alchemist" belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square ENIX, Studio BONES and various other parties.  
**Author's Note:** This probably takes place just a few days after Mustang's announcement in the first short. And, yes, I _will_ be getting back to that prank book.

* * *

It began as an ordinary morning for Master Sergeant Fuery. Which ended when he rounded the corner and found a giant suit of armor and a small boy standing by the main entrance to Eastern Headquarters. The boy had a piece of paper against the armor's back, furiously scribbling something.

Curious, Fuery approached the pair.

"Hello," he greeted the child in a friendly tone.

The boy spared him a glance. "Hey."

Silence.

"So, does one of your parents work here?"

"No." The boy glared at him. "_I_ work here."

"Oh." Fuery re-thought. "Selling papers?"

"Selling—! NO." The boy stopped writing and dug in his pocket to produce a silver watch, which he shoved up at Fuery. "I'm a State Alchemist."

Fuery's jaw dropped. "Really? At your age… That's amazing!" he beamed. "You must be a genius!"

There were few ways to soothe Edward Elric once you had pushed his berserk button. But, the fastest was to appeal to his ego. And, sure enough, the furious snarl was morphing into a proud smirk.

"Yep!" he crowed, puffing out his chest.

"Wow!" Fuery continued. "You're even younger than the boy the Colonel mentioned! A State Alchemist at only eight years old…"

* * *

Notes: Poor Fuery. And, he was doing so good too. And, yes, this does call for a second short from Al's POV since he's being ignored here. But, I've decided that most of these shorts call for a corresponding short with Al's POV.


	6. Stuck

**Title: **Stuck  
**Author: **Kristen Sharpe  
**Date:** January 15, 2010  
**Rating:** K  
**Warnings: **None.  
**Disclaimer: ** "Fullmetal Alchemist" belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square ENIX, Studio BONES and various other parties.  
**Author's Note:** Proof that neither Ed nor I forgot about the book from "Bluff".

* * *

"You could have given him something,_ anything_ besides _that_ book!"

"Like what? I offered my entire pack of cigarettes! That's a sacrifice right there."

"Idiot."

"Hey! When _I_ was twelve, I'd have been happy to get a free pack of cigarettes. Any kid would've. You could sell 'em if nothing else."

"Yeah, well, when you were twelve, you weren't getting a State Alchemist's pay, were you?"

"…My pants are riding up."

"I'm not exactly comfy either."

"And, all the blood's running to my head. Are you sure you can't move?"

"Positive."

"Shouldn't someone have missed us by now?"

"Not likely. Everyone else was leaving when the Colonel sent us back to the office, remember? And, I think it sealed the door."

"Great. …I need a smoke. Can you reach—?"

"No. I told you that ten minutes ago."

"This wasn't even _in_ the book."

"There was one about stapling the uniform together."

"Guess this is the alchemist's version."

"Guess so."

"So, if the Colonel had done his own work and come in here…"

"I think it would've given him a miniskirt. Besides the rest."

"Huh. Well, I suppose the upside is that we have a front row seat for his reaction...."

* * *

Notes: Inspired by the concept of the "Noodle Incident" as explained on TV Tropes . org.


	7. Training

**Title: **Training  
**Author: **Kristen Sharpe  
**Date:** December 7, 2009  
**Rating:** K  
**Warnings: **None.  
**Disclaimer: ** "Fullmetal Alchemist" belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square ENIX, Studio BONES and various other parties.  
**Author's Note:** Yes, this was written before "Stuck", but I felt like it needed to be read after.

* * *

1st Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was waiting for the other shoe to drop. She had taken Edward Elric to the shooting range to make sure the State's youngest alchemist at least knew some basics. The exercise was less to assess his abilities and more to insure that he had a proper respect for firearms.

She had expected a certain level of immaturity. She passed enough little boys in the streets and parks, playing soldier with their ever-present stick "rifles", to know that guns were only toys in the eyes of many children. At the least, she expected some bragging and attempts at showing off.

But, Edward had taken the handgun she offered with a grave, stricken expression that was far too old for his young face. And, when he mishandled the weapon, it was all out of ignorance rather than carelessness. He listened attentively to her safety lectures and never had to be corrected more than once.

Where was the demonic terror whose exploits had the Colonel's other subordinates in an uproar?

Quite frankly, Edward had been a model of respectful ever since he had met her in the office as she was disciplining General Grumman's dog for soiling the carpet.

* * *

Notes: Yeah, if I saw Hawkeye's version of discipline, I'd be a model of polite in her presence too ;)


	8. Declaration

**Title: **Declaration  
**Author: **Kristen Sharpe  
**Date:** September 14, 2010  
**Rating:** K  
**Warnings: **None.  
**Disclaimer: ** "Fullmetal Alchemist" belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square ENIX, Studio BONES and various other parties.  
**Author's Note:** Falman was a tough one.

* * *

The office was quiet save for a soft murmur of voices trickling past the half-open door to his private chamber. Bored, Colonel Mustang tuned an ear to the muffled conversation and was able to pick out, first, Warrant Officer Vato Falman—

"In October of 1661, the citizens of Cameron staged an armed protest when the military refused to pay the local men hired to work on the construction of the new bridge. This was despite their earlier promises of good pay."

—and then, the office's new addition, Edward Elric.

"So, they weren't happy with doing all the work and not having anything to show for it."

"Correct," said Falman.

History lessons, Mustang mused. He wondered if Fullmetal was simply bored with the report he should be writing or considering some lead in Cameron. Either way, he was probably quickly learning that asking a question of Falman was guaranteed to get you more of an answer than you bargained for. The normally laconic warrant officer had a memory like an encyclopedia and a tendency to recite the full "entry" on any given topic when prompted. It was a useful talent but one that could quickly wear at the nerves.

"Hey, has anyone ever revolted just because they thought the Fuhrer was a jerk?"

Fullmetal was definitely bored. Well, that report had better be completed by day's end or it would be some time before he found anymore opportunities for boredom.

"Yes, in fact," Falman was saying. "In 1594..."

Mustang tuned the remainder of the conversation out.

* * *

"What," Mustang felt taut muscles cause an involuntary tick over his right eye, "is _this_?"

In his hands was Fullmetal's report. If it could be called that.

"Whereas my commanding officer has chosen to shirk his duties and instead assign a subordinate to handle all affairs he deems tasteless or in some way beneath his standing and whereas said subordinate is a duly recognized State Alchemist pursuing an important line of research, I, as the aforementioned State Alchemist, do hereby declare my refusal to perform further menial tasks unless provided just compensation."

And, that was just the opening paragraph. The "report" continued with a detailed list of grievances, references to military law, comparisons to historical conflicts and obvious abuse of a thesaurus. The actual report on Fullmetal's most recent mission was a small footnote.

"Oh, for—!" Mustang slammed the report down on the desk. "I asked him to pick up my uniform from the laundry _once_!"

"The uniform and a sandwich, Sir," Hawkeye corrected.

"One uniform, one sandwich, one time," said Mustang. "And, he wasn't doing anything important then anyway." He slumped back into his chair. "Twelve year olds make everything so dramatic."

* * *

Well, that's all of Mustang's crew! Now to do Al's version.


	9. Safeguard

**Title: **Safeguard  
**Author: **Kristen Sharpe  
**Date:** November 8, 2010  
**Rating:** K  
**Warnings: **None.  
**Disclaimer: ** "Fullmetal Alchemist" belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square ENIX, Studio BONES and various other parties.  
**Author's Note:** Having covered Ed's early meetings with Mustang's crew, I wanted to go back and do the same for Al. However, I think Ed still stole the show. Ties directly to my earlier drabble "Fisticuffs" and is set around the same time.

* * *

It was impossible not to notice the seven foot tall suit of armor clattering behind Edward Elric. In fact, most people noticed Alphonse Elric long before even considering his less imposing sibling.

And, 2nd Lieutenant Jean Havoc figured he fell solidly into the category of most people. The day he met the Elrics, he had assumed the armored figure was the kid Mustang wanted him to evaluate. Until Ed stalked up to him, demanding to know if he was, "that Havoc guy the Colonel mentioned."

In retrospect, Alphonse was too big for twelve. He was much too big for eleven.

Assuming he filled out that armor. Which Havoc didn't. It sounded awfully empty in there.

No, after catching the pair fresh from the rain with Ed half inside Al's armor, fussing like Havoc's Aunt Mathilde and using someone's uniform jacket as a makeshift towel, he came to another theory.

And, it made him glad that his older brother had considered his duty done when he taught him how to throw a punch.

Because Edward Elric, besides being a mean little cuss with a terrific right hook, was obviously freakishly over-protective if he made his little brother run around in _that_.


End file.
